In this post, I’m going to talk about living with ‘it’. I say ‘it’ because all of us have a different ‘it’ we have to live with.
My ‘it’ is what I have been through. The pain of rejection and abandonment. Of abuse. Of neglect.
Yours might be the same or it could be different. It could be a death. A marriage breakdown. The inability to have a child. A diagnosis.
For me, most of the time what went on when I was a child feels like it was a bazillion years ago. I feel like I’ve lived about 200 lifetimes in between then and now.
The memories are there but they don’t impact on me. I manage them well and get on with my life as best I can. But there are also times where it all feels really heavy. It feels so hard to carry it all.
I feel tired. I feel like it is just too heavy to keep carrying.
In these times, I have learned that sometimes it’s okay to just sit down and take some time out. When it feels like it is all too heavy, the best thing I can do for myself is have a break.
For me, this usually means doing something – anything – that isn’t related to the load I’m carrying. It could be going to the beach for the day or binge watching something. Or it could be going on an ‘adventure’ with my children.
Sometimes, I need longer than just one day. Lately, I have needed to have entire weeks where I just pretend that weight isn’t there. I pretend in my mind that all I have to think about is the here and now.
Then, when I’m feeling stronger, I pick ‘it’ up again and off I go.
The thing is, we are always going to have to carry the weight of ‘it’. We can’t just erase what happens in our lives. We have to find a way to live with ‘it’.
I also have times when I get angry because I have to carry ‘it’ with me. All I want to do is scream because I’ve had enough. I don’t want to carry the bloody weight of ‘it’ anymore. I wish I could run as far away from ‘it’ as I possibly can.
At these times, I’m angry, full of rage and I’m hurting. I just want to scream and scream and scream until I have no voice left.
It’s not a normal scream either. It’s a scream that I want to scream from deep within me. I feel like the scream comes from right from the core of who I am.
I know that if I let that scream out, it would scare people. Someone would undoubtedly call the Police on me. I also wonder if I started screaming, would I be able to stop.
So I choose not to yell. I choose not to let it out that way.
I have other ways that I let that scream out, though. Sometimes I let it out into my pillow when I’m home on my own (sorry neighbours!!).
For me, though, the most effective way I’ve found of getting that scream out is to walk. And walk. And walk. And walk.
I go for long walks with my headphones in. I don’t just walk – I stomp. I push my legs to their limit. I take really long strides and my feet don’t touch the ground gently. They hit the ground hard.
As I walk, I process how I’m feeling. I let the feelings bubble up and I let them out with every stride. Step by step, they come out and I don’t stop walking until I have stomped that scream and the emotions that come with it right out of my system.
I don’t have a choice. I have to carry this weight. I have to live with ‘it’ for the rest of my life.
Not carrying ‘it’ isn’t an option I have. ‘It’ is going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Whilst I have accepted that sh*t happens and I will always try to make the best of things, it doesn’t mean the weight isn’t heavy and gets too hard to carry at times. It is heavy. It is hard to carry. I’m not superwoman and I get really tired.
It is in these moments that I need to do whatever it is I need to do in order to be able to pick ‘it’ up again and keep moving forward. I can feel angry. I can feel sad. I can pretend that ‘it’ doesn’t exist for a while.
‘It’ will always be there and I will always have to carry it. Some days my ‘it’ is easier to carry than others and it’s okay to just leave ‘it’ for a while.
Tomorrow, the weight will probably be easier to carry than today and I probably won’t feel like screaming. I will pick up my ‘it’ – the weight of what I have been through – and carry it again. Maybe I’ll make it look easy. Maybe I will stumble and drop it.
But I have to live with my ‘it’. I have to find a way to carry the weight of ‘it’ with me. And I will.
All my love, Gretel xx