In this blog post, I’m going to talk about my absolute favourite part of who I am. That is;
This might sound really weird but my love of my defiant nature is HUGE. It’s the one thing I know has kept me going all of these years. If I had to explain to you where I got my strength to overcome so much from, I would probably end up telling you all about my defiance.
To be told over and over that you are worthless and your life will never amount to anything is crippling. To be compared to your siblings and have all of your failings pointed out over and over is soul destroying.
The damage it caused was one of the biggest things I have had to overcome but I was determined I wasn’t going to let it beat me. And I haven’t.
I have had to learn to use my defiance ‘for good and not for evil’ over the years. There is a saying that your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness and I know this is the case for me.
Being defiant is frowned upon a lot of the time and I get why. When used negatively, my defiance has made things so much harder for myself and others than they needed to be. I have dug my heels in and refused to do or been difficult about things for no particular reason and it hasn’t ended well.
But when used properly and in a positive way, defiance can be such a beautiful thing. It can be a really powerful force in your life.
At the end of the day, no-one gets to decide what happens in our lives but us. We have the control over our choices and its our choices that determine how we get through life.
Life isn’t easy. No-one gets through it unscathed, but how we deal with life is up to each of us.
I could have easily stayed in the place where I believed that nothing good would ever happen to me and I was so horrible and unlovable but I didn’t want to. I wanted more!
I also never wanted anyone to dictate to me the way my life would be. It’s not their place to, even though some people have felt like it is.
I’ve had a very rough few weeks personally but I refuse to let that dictate how I live my life right now. Only I get to decide how I respond and move forward with my life.
For me, every time I’m in this place where I have to decide if something is going to define me, I will choose to fight for more for myself and my life. I will not let life define or dictate who I am as a person or what happens in my life.
I’m not talking about wanting more things here. I’m talking about more peace and contentment in my heart.
I could be stubborn and refuse to move forward. I could just decide to sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself but that would actually be really boring!
Maybe I see things a little strangely because of what I have had to overcome but I believe I am the only one who gets to dictate where my life ends up because I have choices. And I will always be a ruthless dictator when it comes to those choices.
For me, the more my family tried to tell me I couldn’t, the more it made me want to do it. The same has been for others I have encountered over the years.
The more people try to tell me or do things to try and prove my life will never amount to much or not be what I want it to be, the more determined I become to prove them wrong. I’m not going to mope in the corner. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself.
I will grieve and mourn and be angry, but like a phoenix, I will rise from the ashes.
Every. Single. Time.
I will rebuild. I will keep fighting. I will not settle for less.
They told me I was unlovable. They were wrong. I am very lovable.
They told me my life wouldn’t amount to anything. They were wrong.
I might not have a sparkling dazzling life full of parties, dinners out or wads of cash to throw around but I am living a good life and I am doing my best to raise my children as kind, caring and well behaved little humans.
I might not ever live a life that is without struggle but that’s okay because I have stopped struggling with myself. I’m at peace with myself in every way I can be right now and being at peace with myself is more important to me than anything else.
My defiant nature will not let me settle for anything less than peace and contentment in my heart. That doesn’t mean storms won’t rage around me. It just means that I will use my defiance as best I can so those storms don’t rage within me.
They told me I couldn’t. I did. Over and over again, I did.
They told me I wouldn’t. I have. Over and over again, I have.
And I have the pictures to prove it! The pictures aren’t actual photos. They are the person I am today.
They told me I couldn’t. They told me I wouldn’t.
Boy, did they get that wrong!!
All my love, Gretel xx