In this blog post, I’m going to talk about what has happened as I have gone digging into the things that went on when I was younger. I can sum it all up for you pretty quickly by saying this;
*insert expletives here*
Coming out of a childhood like mine hasn’t been easy and I have a lot of scars. Please note that I said scars – not wounds. There is a big difference between the two. I’ll go into a little more detail about that in another blog post.
For the most part, my life back then doesn’t impact on my day-to-day life now, but as I have been going back and rehashing my past, there have been a lot of things that have actually taken me by surprise. The emotions have been really strong and fierce at times. I’m usually so at peace with what happened back then that I really wasn’t expecting to have this kind of reaction.
This last few weeks have been especially difficult. I’m still dealing with some fallout from what went on at the end of last year and that combined with digging back into that old stuff created the perfect storm of anxiety and emotion for me.
Because of the trauma I’ve experienced in my life, I have mild Complex PTSD and I manage it really, really well. So well that over the last few weeks, my anxiety levels started to increase almost daily and my mood sank lower and lower into a huge funk and I had absolutely no idea why I was feeling this way. I had no idea what was going on.
I was angry and scared and it actually felt like I’d lost all hope. Part of why I felt this was because, despite everything I’ve done to overcome the things I have for so many years, I knew I was back in that dark place again.
I chatted to a friend last night and told her that I was really angry and disappointed in myself because I was feeling this way. Because I hadn’t been able to stop myself from going into the dark place again. On top of that, because I was angry with myself, I got even more anxious and scared and the hope became even dimmer.
My friend said “You are human. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be sad. Stop expecting so much from yourself!”
That was when it clicked. I had been feeling progressively worse and I couldn’t work out why let alone stop it. But then I realised that the issues I’ve had to deal with in relation to the big ‘sh*t happens’ I went through last year as well as digging up the past had triggered a PTSD flare up.
I wasn’t going back into an abyss. I was just having a moment. However, the ferocity of this flare up shocked me. I seriously wasn’t expecting it to come the way it did and it got me good.
It was hard talking to others because they were trying to figure out what was going on and why I felt this way. I couldn’t explain things to them because I didn’t even know what was going on myself. But when I worked out it was just a flare up, it all became clear. I knew it wasn’t an abyss I was heading into. I was just having a moment.
This brings me to this one thing that I always seem to come back to, even when I’m having moments where I question everything, like I have over this last few weeks. I know deep inside me that I’ve got this. I’ve got whatever sh*t happens in my life.
I’ve got this!
The thing is, no-one is ever going to be able to solve my problems for me. No-one is ever going to ‘save’ me. No-one is ever going to swoop in and fix it all for me.
Do you know what?! I actually don’t want anyone to do any of that. I want to solve my own problems. I don’t want someone fixing everything for me.
But when I’m in a dark place, all I want is for someone to do all of that for me because it all seems so hard. So insurmountable.
I honestly want to do this myself! I’m no-one’s pity case. I’m no damsel in distress. I don’t need fixing. and I certainly don’t need saving.
I’ve already fixed so much of myself. I’ve already saved all of myself. I’ve saved myself many, many times. I’m actually pretty damn good over here when it comes down to it.
There is, however, something I do want in these difficult times and that is this. I want people to hold my hand. I want them to be there holding my hand as I save myself.
The comfort I get from knowing that people are there is amazing. It’s like having a cheer squad. They are there encouraging me. Checking on me. Making sure I’m looking after myself.
Over the last few weeks, I wanted someone save me because I couldn’t work out what was going on let alone how to fix it. My anxiety and sadness had me trying to find someone – anyone – to come and rescue me and fix it all for me. To save me because I couldn’t work out how to do it myself.
The desperation I was feeling ended up getting transferred to my friends as they desperately tried to help me. They could see what was happening but didn’t know what to do or say.
When I realised all that was going on was a PTSD flare up, I realised I don’t need someone to rescue me. I don’t need someone to fix me. I’ve totally got this on my own! I can do this.
All I want is people to just hold my hand as I save myself yet again. And again. And again, if I have to.
I’ve got this! I honestly do know how to save myself. How to fix my problems. I’ve done it so many times that it is almost second nature to me. But sometimes all each of us needs is someone to just hold our hand while we do it.
Whatever it is you are dealing with, like me, only you can save yourself from it. Only you can claw yourself back up and you will feel so good when you do.
You can save yourself. You can fix what’s going on in your life. All you need is someone to hold your hand as you do it.
They can cheer you on. Reassure you. Encourage you. Remind you of just how amazing you are.
Please don’t make things harder for yourself by confusing wanting someone to save you with wanting someone to hold your hand as you save yourself. They are very different things.
Having someone else save you doesn’t actually work. It just doesn’t work that way. You and only you can save yourself. Only you can fix your problems – and you can do it! You’ve got this!
You’ve got whatever it is you are going through, like I do. You can do this!! All you need to do is find some people who will hold your hand as you save yourself and it will make the world of difference to you.
I promise you it will.
All my love, Gretel xx
PS: To those of you who’ve held my hand over these last few weeks, thank you! I’m beyond grateful. xxxx