It’s been ages since I wrote a blog post.
The reason for that is pretty upsetting and it’s taken some time for me to feel able to come back and write anything at all. I’m still really raw but I will give this my best shot.
My last blog post was titled ‘Sh*t Happens’. Within days of me writing that, sh*t happened to me. Again.
Big sh*t. Life changing sh*t. Nothing is the same since sh*t happened kind of sh*t.
I won’t go into detail but I went through some things that came close to destroying me. It was nothing short of brutal.
But I got through.
No. I didn’t just get through. I didn’t just survive.
I won because I got back up. It hurt like hell and I had to take some time out to rest and recover but I got back up.
Don’t get me wrong – I have had many a moment where I have wanted to give up. Where I have cried myself to sleep. Where I have been unable to get out of bed.
But I don’t ever want to be a victim of what happens to me. I don’t ever want to be defined by something that happens to me.
My good old stubbornness came through. I wasn’t going to let this beat me.
I learned so much about myself as I went through this latest ‘sh*t happens’. I don’t mean that in a fluffy sense. I mean I really found out what the hell it is that I have managed to do by getting out of the dark place I was in when I was homeless to where I am today.
I thought I knew. I thought I had it worked out but it turns out, I didn’t.
In the last month or two, I have had people ask how I did what I did. What it was that made me keep going. That was actually really hard to answer.
It actually stopped me in my tracks and I’ve had to go back over a lot of things and work out how I did what I have done. How I was able to keep getting back up. I actually had no idea except that I was strong.
As I have thought back, I think what it was is that from a very early age, I wanted more for my life than what I was being given. My parents said horrible things about me and for the most part I believed them but there was also this other part of me that said “Nope. You’re wrong! That’s not who I am.”
This is why I believe I made the choice to not take drugs at age 14. I knew it would stop me from having more. From achieving more.
I think back over my life and I see every single choice I have made has been because I wanted more than what life had given me. I am not saying I wanted things. I just wanted a life that was different. That was like everyone else’s.
Sometimes I made dumb choices and made things harder for myself but that didn’t mean I wasn’t good enough. It didn’t mean I couldn’t have ‘more’ than what I had. I just messed up. All I needed to do was get back up and keep trying (and try not to make the same mistake).
So I got back up. Again and again, I got back up. I did it with this last ‘Sh*t Happens’ and I will keep getting back up again for as long as I live because I want more than what life has given me.
Every time I get back up, I know I have won. I have not let something beat me. I have not let anything define me.
It is the same with each of you.
There IS more for you than what you have experienced so far. What has happened to you or what you may have done ISN’T who you are.
If you want more than what life has given you so far, like I did and still do, you can have it. There is nothing that says you can’t have it.
You just have to get back up. That’s all you have to do. To bring this right down to it’s simplest terms, let me say this;
That one single act of getting back up is the only thing you need to do to win.
From there you might need a little guidance as to what to do next, like I do sometimes, but your first move is the winning move. Sometimes people overcomplicate things but in reality, it is so simple.
You just need to get back up again and then you have won. You have refused to let something that could’ve destroyed you get the better of you.
That, my darling, is your winning move. Anything you do after that is a bonus.
All my love, Gretel. xx